Chaos - Inside my Head

 So I had this beautiful piece of quartz, dyed in rainbow colours.  I also had this string of silk threads which a bead I bought came wrapped in.  I loved them.
Rainbows have a special meaning to me.  I had a miscarriage, in between my second and third sons, but sadly it took until my 12 week scan before it was realised that the baby had died.  Unfortunately, I had to have surgery to remove my baby, she didn't want to go of her own free will.  It was a horrifically traumatising event.  On the day of the surgery, there were rainbows everywhere - outside the hospital window, dancing round on the ceiling, a painting on the wall on the way to the operating theatre - call me silly, but it was (to me) her way of saying goodbye.  
The rainbow colours in this piece show how she is always on my mind - even though this kind of loss is common, it is pretty much taboo, and I was never offered any kind of help to get over the event.  The loose fibres I allowed to poke out between the beads are my chains of thought - random and ready to appear anywhere at any time!  A small section of the beading is quite ordered - this is the side of me that works for a living and appears relatively normal to the outside world.  The chaos of the rest of the piece is what I like to think of as my iceberg side - the stuff under the surface, hidden from view.  There is a skull in there, I like skulls!  There is also a winged heart, to show that I love freely; but it is pinned down - representing my need to spread my wings occasionally for my own selfish needs.  The pentagram isn't sinister, it is there to show that the closest thing I have to a belief system mirrors old Pagan views - that the earth we live on needs our care and support, and that the turning of the seasons gives us cause to celebrate and reflect on many things.  The final charm I included is a bunch of keys.  These are my hope that throughout this project, I will unlock many of the chaotic parts of my mind and unleash a little more order, a little more creativity and a little more peace...
Dee

Amor Obscura - a little February darkness...

My February piece for the Bead Journal is my view of love.  To me, love isn't rainbows and roses and glitter and sparkles, it's darker and more complex than that.  The skull represents my view of self, I am afraid of death and mortality seems very fragile. The piece is also slightly unbalanced, which again reflects me, the way my mind refuses to play ball and allow me to be a sane and regular individual!  For me, love hurts.  Love is something that you give your all to, and something that you have to earn.  It is about finding the darkness inside yourself and allowing yourself to feel it is okay to share that darkness with another human being.  The three large spikes in this piece represent three major relationships in my life, the three smaller spikes are my three wonderful sons, who accept their often weird and kind of eccentric mother without question. I have a light and girly side, but she doesn't come out to play very often, so it is more important for me that those whom I choose to share my love with are able to accept me as I am, because even if I wanted to change, I cannot.  This is me. 
Dee 

The Journey Begins

Better late than never - Happy New Year.  I spied with my little eye that a number of my wondrously artistic friends had joined a group on Facebook called 'Bead Journal Project'.  I had a wee peek at the page and it's info and realised that it was something I would love to try out - beading for therapy!

Those of you in the group who know me, will know that I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and elevated levels of stress.  I have no excuses and no finger pointing has occurred - I guess my brain is just wired a little differently.

As the group began posting their first pieces (the idea is to complete one a month), nerves kicked in. I began to think this whole idea was not for me - high standards abound, and I let my inner critic say too much.

Thanks to some wonderful comments from supportive members, I decided to give it a go.  And now, I have not one, but two pieces to share.  First of all came 'Wisdom'.

'Wisdom' by Cherry Obsidia

Wisdom is an attribute I strive to achieve.  A very good friend gifted me the beautiful central character, and I have been looking at him for a while, trying to decide how he wanted to be used.  Once inspiration struck, he took me a little under two hours to complete.  He is embellished with pearls, Greek ceramic, a variety of seed beads and some Czech glass leaves.  Keeping the thought in mind that wisdom is often the simplest of ideas, I strung the finished piece on a Chinese silk cord.  I rather like him.

Onto the second piece.  This one is very much more personal, and is difficult for me to write about.  My mental disorders leave me pretty exhausted and intimacy with my husband is not one of my priorities.  This causes me a lot of pain, as I wish I shared his desires.  He (jokingly) refers to me as 'The Ice Maiden'.  So here is my interpretation of that.

'Ice Maiden' by Cherry Obsidia

The centrepiece of this embroidered pendant is a sliver of stone encrusted with tiny quartz crystals that he found on the beach and handed to me.  I kept the embellishment fairly simple, but when I wear it, the crystal dagger points right at my heart - because although I know he is joking, that name causes me to feel as though I am being stabbed every time I hear him say it...

Sorry if this is a little too much info, but the one thing I have promised myself about BJP is that I am going to be honest, and hope that this helps me fight my demons this year...thanks for reading,

Dee