Friday, February 21, 2014

Chaos - Inside my Head

 So I had this beautiful piece of quartz, dyed in rainbow colours.  I also had this string of silk threads which a bead I bought came wrapped in.  I loved them.
Rainbows have a special meaning to me.  I had a miscarriage, in between my second and third sons, but sadly it took until my 12 week scan before it was realised that the baby had died.  Unfortunately, I had to have surgery to remove my baby, she didn't want to go of her own free will.  It was a horrifically traumatising event.  On the day of the surgery, there were rainbows everywhere - outside the hospital window, dancing round on the ceiling, a painting on the wall on the way to the operating theatre - call me silly, but it was (to me) her way of saying goodbye.  
The rainbow colours in this piece show how she is always on my mind - even though this kind of loss is common, it is pretty much taboo, and I was never offered any kind of help to get over the event.  The loose fibres I allowed to poke out between the beads are my chains of thought - random and ready to appear anywhere at any time!  A small section of the beading is quite ordered - this is the side of me that works for a living and appears relatively normal to the outside world.  The chaos of the rest of the piece is what I like to think of as my iceberg side - the stuff under the surface, hidden from view.  There is a skull in there, I like skulls!  There is also a winged heart, to show that I love freely; but it is pinned down - representing my need to spread my wings occasionally for my own selfish needs.  The pentagram isn't sinister, it is there to show that the closest thing I have to a belief system mirrors old Pagan views - that the earth we live on needs our care and support, and that the turning of the seasons gives us cause to celebrate and reflect on many things.  The final charm I included is a bunch of keys.  These are my hope that throughout this project, I will unlock many of the chaotic parts of my mind and unleash a little more order, a little more creativity and a little more peace...


  1. Thank you for sharing such a personal blog with us, the piece is lovely xx

  2. Thank you for sharing, Dee. I was in tears. I lost a baby 3 years ago at 19.6 weeks. I can empathize with your pain. This piece is beautiful and means so much. <3

  3. You are beautiful, Dee- inside and out. I hope you find the creativity and peace you are looking for throughout the beading - it seems to me inevitable. I wish I had words to say how much it means to me that you have been sharing such very personal things with us... you are amazing, and I don't care how often I say so. Much much love from me.

  4. Such a great way to try to make order out of events, that effect us forever more. It's interesting how even though the life changing event was horrific, you manage to pull rainbows all around you, and in the middle of chaos you found a little bit of comfort. I'm so sorry for your loss. Blessed be.